Teaching our Children is More Than "Doing School"

One of the things I have loved about homeschooling has been the teaching moments that are present throughout the entire day. Although I know that teachable moments happen for those who do not homeschool, I personally love having such a great amount of input into my children's lives. I guess that you could consider that one of the "benefits" of homeschooling. These teaching times do include academics, but I am thinking more of the times throughout the day when we are able to stop and talk about the "life lessons" and issues that come up as we are living our lives.

Living with and teaching two teenagers brings with it deeper issues as they ask questions and learn to think for themselves. It is my responsibility to point my children to the Word of God and to help them come to conclusions about how to apply what they find. I need to help them search the Scriptures to find the answers, rather than give them a quick answer, share my opinion, or just let them figure things out for themselves. It may take a lot of time to teach them and even be exhausting, but I find that taking the time to talk these things out, listen to their thoughts, and help them form their own conclusions helps to strengthen our relationship.

Over the years I have seen various issues cause conflict and division in families, because they did not work together. As I observed different families over the years, my question has been, "How can I avoid fighting with my children over these issues, and actually turn them around and use them to bring us together?" Although we have been far from perfect in handling this, God has been teaching us how this can be accomplished.

One of the issues I've seen cause conflict has been what style of clothing teens are allowed to wear. My daughter and I went shopping with another mom and her daughter a few years ago. The entire time we were shopping they argued about clothing. The daughter whined, and the mother responded in exasperation. Ultimately the mom gave in to what her daughter wanted, and not much was learned that day except that the daughter saw that if she cried enough she would get her way. (My daughter and I learned that we didn't really want to go shopping with them again!)

As I have observed many similar scenarios over the years, the prayerful conclusion that I have reached is that it doesn't have to be that way! I've also seen that it is not wise for me to dictate to my children what they should wear. They are unique and have their own tastes. I need to leave room for that as well. So we talk. What does the Bible say about modesty? Read about it. Come up with, or find, some guidelines that can be followed as you are choosing clothing. What about extremes? Do we want to draw attention to ourselves by wearing extreme styles? That would be one "rule" we have. We want to encourage our children by allowing them to have their own taste and letting them be who they were made to be, while not being given to extremes. We are helping them learn how to present themselves to others in a God-glorifying way. We share with them that we don't want them to dress in a sloppy fashion because we are representing our Lord.

After we come up with guidelines that we feel are best, we try to go shopping as a family, if possible. We allow them to choose the clothes that they like, as long as it glorifies God and they follow the few guidelines that we have come up with. They are also reminded that we reserve the right as parents to give suggestions. There have been a few times when one of my children chose something that I didn't particularly care for because it just wasn't my taste, but they were sincerely following the guidelines we had all come up with, so I stayed quiet and allowed them to purchase it. Working together in this way has made clothes shopping a fun time, rather than a time of conflict.

The other issue that I've seen bring division in families is choosing music. I have seen two approaches: Either parents saying "no" to anything that isn't classical music or hymns, or parents just let children have "their own music" and give them very little, if any, guidance in choosing it. The parents show no interest. We haven't felt comfortable with either approach. Again, each child is unique and has different tastes. We want to give them some freedom to choose, but we need to help them learn how discern what is glorifying to God. So we get involved.

When one of them decides they like a certain song or group, we sit together and we look up the group on the internet. What are the lyrics saying? Can you HEAR the lyrics? What kind of testimony does the group have? What kind of music videos, if any, have they made? Are they glorifying to God? Do they seek to draw attention to themselves or do they cause you to focus on God and worship? Do the lyrics cause me to think about things that are pure? Do they help me in my walk with God, or hinder me by promoting a worldly philosophy of life or romance? As we help them answer these questions they are learning to choose for themselves music that glorifies God. It has also been interesting for me to sit and help them evaluate different groups and songs, as it has helped me to actually appreciate and enjoy styles of music I never enjoyed before! We also like to listen to music as a family as much as possible. As my husband and I have gotten involved in this way and shown interest in what they like, it has drawn us together rather than pushing us apart!

Teaching our children is so much more than "doing school." It is taking the time to guide them and teaching them how to be discerning so they can learn to think biblically...for themselves. It doesn't have to be a battle. It can be such a blessing!!!




Gina is the mom of two high schoolers, a freshman and a Senior. In her column "Reaching High," she shares the many lessons that God has taught her and her family, as they have sought Him through the years. Visit her at her blog, Chats with An Old Lady.

What Do You Do If Your Child Decides They Want To "Go To School"?

I have had many homeschool moms ask me this question. What DO you do if your child decides he wants to "go to school?" My answer is...I can't answer that for you!

Let me explain.

We live in an amazing country. I am very grateful that for some reason, God saw fit to have me "be born" in this country that offers such opportunity and freedom. When it comes to educating our children we have several options to choose from. I think that is wonderful! Right now our children have such incredible opportunities and resources, and if we want, we can fit their education to meet their exact needs.

As parents we need to be praying diligently over our children and ask God what is the best fit for our children. Some children may thrive in a public school setting, some in a private school, and some in a home school. God knows which is best for them. That is why we need to FIRST consult HIM, and be open to how He may lead us.

Each family, and each child, is unique and may do things a little differently. One thing that we need to be careful about not doing is having our own philosophy or agenda, and forcing our kids to fit into a particular mold. There are many books, organizations, and websites out there that tell us that a "godly person" should homeschool. They may tell us how we should look and dress, and even what kind of music we should listen to. It is very important that we be sensitive to our children, their uniqueness and tastes, as well as how God has made them. Over the years I have observed some very frustrated children as their well meaning parents tried to follow a philosophy or curriculum that did not "fit" their child, and tried to force them into a particular mold. I have also seen some children who have had expectations forced on them by their parents. It seemed as if the children were not allowed to be unique or to be "in process."

All this to say that I cannot tell you what to do with your child, only God can. I do not know what is best, but God does. If your child comes to you one day and expresses that he wants to go to school, maybe it is time to evaluate whether or not his needs are being met. Ask him why he wants to go to school. If there is something he feels he is missing out on, like sports, an activity, or even friendship, make sure he knows that you HEAR HIM and that you will begin praying about how that need might be met. If our children know we are listening to them, on their side and sensitive to what they are feeling, it makes such a difference.

Start to pray about the areas that you child has expressed interest in. Investigate how these needs might be met through church or community activities. There are so many opportunities out there now for homeschoolers that I don't think that we need to just automatically put them in school, although that might happen eventually if the Lord leads that way.

Just this year my son, who is 14, began expressing that there were a few things he wished he could do. He didn't necessarily wish he could go to school, but he was feeling that something was lacking. I told him that I would begin to pray about those things and I started to do some research. I even talked with my husband about the possibility of putting him in school next year. We didn't want to, but we thought we should at least be open to that. As we've prayed, God has opened some wonderful doors of opportunity for our son. When that happens, I make sure to point out how God provides for him. He has seen his parents actively praying and trusting God, and he has seen God provide for him. I think that is exciting!

My daughter has gone through times when she has wished she had more friends. Of course my mother's heart has hurt for her. I could manipulate things and make it happen, but down deep I know that if it isn't a Godsend, it will not be good for her. I have prayed. I also went to a godly older woman for council. What she shared with me made so much sense. She told me that her (now grown) daughter went through a time when she would come home from school in tears because she didn't have a good friend. There were also times when she did have closer friends. She said that those times that her daughter didn't have close friends were the times that God used to cause them to become very close as mother and daughter. It is fun to watch this woman and her grown daughter as they are very close, even though the daughter is married with a child. I have been seeing this happen in my own relationship with my daughter, and am very grateful and see such wisdom in God withholding friendship in her life at times. Think about what we would be missing out if I were always trying to provide friendships for my daughter. It would have hindered what God wanted to do.

It is so important to pray over your children's needs. If we rush to meet a perceived need without consulting God, it might end up being a bad thing. If we wait on the Lord and leave it to Him, He will make it clear what He wants to fill our children's lives with. He loves them even more than we do. Of course He will do what is best for them!

If you've done your research and have prayed, and you still see areas of need in your child's life, maybe it is time to consider putting them in school. I don't know. Only God can tell you that for sure. Pray like crazy. Give God time to make it clear. You can be sure He will!

Gina is the mom of two high schoolers, a freshman and a Senior. In her column "Reaching High," she shares the many lessons that God has taught her and her family, as they have sought Him through the years. Visit her at her blog, Chats with An Old Lady.