Last week was Vacation Bible School at our church. There were not any classes for Caleb's age (youth) and so he didn't attend most days. He played with the dogs at home and enjoyed the quiet time alone. The last day, however, he wanted to "help" out in the younger boys class so I said that would be okay, IF the teacher agreed. Everything went sailing along smoothly until Caleb decided it would be cool to hear the click clack of his 3-D glasses in the fan. He assumed it would be just like a card in the spokes of his bicycle tire. Unfortunately, the powerful motor of the fan grabbed the glasses and ripped them into three pieces! NOT COOL! Especially NOT COOL to a kid with Asperger's Syndrome! Our new church family was pleasured with experiencing a full-force melt down. Oh, what will they think of us now, I wondered? Thankfully, though, this church has had several autistic children in their midst and they have an understanding spirit.
I knew I had to get to the bottom of the matter. Why was he having a meltdown? What triggered it? He hasn't had one in a while and glasses being torn apart by the fan, when a replacement pair was offered to him, seemed to make the meltdown a bit overboard. I started asking questions only to be met with glares and defiance. This is not an option in our home and our son knows it. At 13 years old, and towering at 6'1'', I can't afford to let this be an option or all respect for my authority will dissipate. Caleb knows this, but it doesn't stop him from occasionally trying to test the boundaries either. Patience is my friend in situations like this and so I sat Caleb in a chair by himself and walked into the kitchen for a few minutes to help prepare some snacks for the younger classes. It gave us both the patience we needed. I needed to think through my questions clearly. He needed to calm down enough to be willing to listen.
After a few moments, I went and asked Caleb to follow me outside so we could sit and talk away from everyone. I knew as long as we were around people that he would not open up to me. After we got outside and started talking, I was completely knocked over by his answer when I asked why he had the meltdown. He was mad at himself for being what he considered dumb. Plain and simple! He was mad that he was too dumb to figure out the fan would eat the glasses and that they wouldn't be able to be repaired. My boy thinks he's dumb?! Huh?! The boy who read Tolkien at 8 years old and understood him? The boy who can memorize line upon line upon line of movie scripts and book passages? The boy who not only learned his books of the Bible forward but backward as well, just to encourage the other boys in his AWANA club? He thinks he's dumb?! My brain cells died and a whole portion of my thought process dove off a cliff as I tried to think of what to say. My boy thinks he's dumb? I honestly could not fathom how to even answer that because it is so far from the truth. I was at a loss for what words of encouragement I could use. Then he said "I just want MY glasses to be fixed and they can't be."
HA! I am mommy... hear me roar! With a bit of tape and some thinking skills (miraculously my thought processes got back in gear), I could get those glasses fixed and show him that everything doesn't have to always end bad just cause it seems that we have ruined it. Back in the kitchen we got out the tools I would need: broken glasses - check, tape - check, scissors - check. I set to putting the 3-D glasses back to as close to new as possible only to have Caleb amazed that they were able to really be fixed. He looked at me and said he was glad that God gave him a mom like me. I looked up at the now sweet face looking down at me with eyes of wonder, and asked "Why wouldn't God give you a mom like me? But, more importantly, why wouldn't God give me a son like you?"
I have thought about those questions several times this weekend. When I was a baby Christian and things happened I would often question God and his love for me. Now that I am more mature in my faith, I understand how the puzzle pieces of life fit together for the honor of God. We don't let Caleb give in to his "disability" but he does have one. He does have special needs that need attention. Why wouldn't God give him a mom who was patient and a fixer of things big and small? Besides, what on earth makes me so special that I deserve to have all perfect children with no challenges in raising them? Don't we all have challenges in some form or another?! Better yet, what makes me so special that God chose to entrust me with one of His special children? That is the question I think about the most!
There isn't any deep, thought-out wisdom that provides answers to these questions. Honestly, they are quite simple. My Father in heaven has equipped me with everything I need to take care of my child. He has also equipped my child with everything he needs to succeed.
Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."I cherish this promise from God that He gives me strength to be a good mom, who is patient and loving towards all my children.
Another verse that gives me strength daily is 2 Corinthians 12:9"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"Oh, I'm plenty weak! There have been days that we struggled with multiple meltdowns, school work not even started let alone finished, sensory issues with lights and noises and touch all jumbled together in one single day, and yet, God's grace is sufficient. His power is made extra perfect on those days because he gets to take Caleb's weakness and mine, too! Thoseare the days that I sit down at the end of the day and my prayers are full of praise. It would be easy to have them be full of whining and crying about "why me?" or "why us?" but it is so much better to simply say Thank you, Jesus! The day is done and we are all still alive and the trials of the day have passed. Yes, He can do all things, and yes, His grace is sufficient! Neither Caleb nor I would make it through most days if we didn't both rely on these promises from God! I'm so glad He trusted me with my special child and He gave me promises to remember along the way!
Sallie is an off-again, on-again homeschooling mom to her 4 children, ranging from elementary to high school. In her writings, she discusses the challenges of homeschooling a child with disabilities and offers insight to those who sometimes feel all alone in a round hole world. Please visit her at Seaside Tales.
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